Don’t laugh at me, but I just finished watching Easy A. It’s a chick flick, I know, but I was in the mood to watch that type of movie. It wasn’t bad either. Emma Stone should do a kick-ass job in the new Spiderman movie. She’s also incredibly my type.
That’s all beside the point.
I am trying to find a song to compare how I feel right now. It’s weird because I get this way all the time. It mainly depends on the movie. I don’t know.
Maybe it’s because I hate movies with happy endings. If I ever get myself to write the screenplays I want to write, I will tell you now - there will be no happy ending. Life rarely ties up loose ends so beautifully. We are always left to believe that after that kiss into the sunset that everything is wonderful. Reality tells us that the divorce rate is high. Some cannot stay faithful to their partner and others just get bored.
That’s not to say that it’s not possible for two lovers to live happily. But it’s not always going to be so happy for these lucky few. This builds up a stereotype that, “Oh, if the prince and princess can live happily then I sure as hell can!” It just doesn’t work out that way. I’m a Donny Downer right now, but I just get so annoyed by this. Namely because I once felt that entitlement.
For some reason, ever since I have been little, I always walked out of the movie theater feeling special. For example, after watching Spiderman when that first came out, I tried to shoot web bullets from my inner wrist like the superhero. I believed I could turn into Godzilla after watching Godzilla 2000. I secretly believed after watching The Truman Show that my life was being filmed and everyone but me was in on it. I have countless examples of how the movie industry always somehow manipulated me into believing in their reality.
Strangely, that does not apply when it comes to television shows. I didn’t think I had any abilities while watching Heroes and I certainly no longer believe myself to be a playboy writer like Hank Moody while watching Californication. The difference is that while the movies make me believe in their reality even briefly, the television series make me want to believe in their reality. I want to be the real-life Hank Moody or Clark Kent, but I know it cannot happen.
Yes, I am probably coming off as pessimistic. I see it as being realistic. I want that alter-ego who can save me from myself and be the man I have always dreamt of. Funny thing is, I did create an alter-ego. His name is Jacob Kaiser. He was at first my pen name so my second cousin wouldn’t put his bias for or against me. Not that he would, but for both of our sakes.
Jacob is the name my mother was choosing between when she first had me. Jacob or Andrew. Where did Kaiser come from? Well, the whole of me that was once into method acting knows that in order to create a character, sometimes you have to look for those who embody these traits you are developing. When I was in the frat, I got to know a guy who had just about every trait I wanted. He is very open minded, at times abstract, relaxed, kind, artistic, wise, playful, funny, confident and is so comfortable in his own skin that women cling to him. Well, Kaiser is his last name. I thought it would be weird if I asked him, so I just kind of took it hoping he would someday be okay with it.
I developed this mindset for Jacob and created his history and what he likes to wear and what he might say in this situation or that. But for some reason, I have a mental block about being this guy. I remember back in high school I tried pretending I was someone else when the first bell rang and by the third bell I was already back to being myself. It’s funny because I created a character so unlike me that I cannot make myself believe that I could become him. Stanislavski would be angry with me, but I don’t know how to make myself turn into this guy.
A part of me is afraid to lose what I love about me now. Even though, if you asked me, I don’t know what I love about my personality. Jacob is only meant to build upon and improve the foundation of my personality, but it seems like almost I have to give or take him completely.
Earlier tonight, I stumbled on my own words to a girl I barely know but I like and I look back on myself now and wonder what Jacob would have done. He might have had a witty reply or let it go, but Andrew didn’t and tried to save his ass. In doing so, I proved how low my self-esteem and confidence was to her. I might have ended any chance and it’s hard to meet girls in this town that are my type.
I’m very picky, but I have every right to be. I know Jacob has taste, but his is probably much more particular. Although, he is easy so it wouldn’t really matter for the most part.
Anyway, I am beginning to feel better. I realy hope when I go to sleep tonight that I wake up as Jacob and we all shine on.
- Andrew
